The Iowa Iowan

IOWA CITY – While homeless people across the city are gearing up for what many consider their busiest time of the year, experts agree many will end up feeling nothing but disappointment this year.

“Curb” season means many students will be dumping massive amounts of cheap Target furniture and half-empty boxes of Easy Mac Cups. Some see potential in this garbage—people like local panhandler Kyle Church.

“There’s just a ton of free stuff,” Church said after snagging a broken microwave from a dumpster. “I mean, half this shit probably doesn’t work, but at least it gives me something to do.”

Still, experts like University of Iowa Economics professor Josie Hunniweiss believe the homeless are setting themselves up for disappointment.

“Several factors have a bearing on the quality of items to be found outside of people’s houses each ‘curb’ season,” she explained, “including weather, sentimental value, and jizz stains.”

According to Hunniweiss, the furniture on curbs is often of a high enough quality that non-homeless people take it. “The situation is further complicated when, say, a grungy couch attracts ironic assholes.”

“It’s a vicious cycle for the homeless, and this season, they can count on lots of jizz stains.”