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Nov 28 2011
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arts and culture

BREAK OF DAWN ARRIVES, LOCAL CAUCASIAN RAP-FUNK BAND IS FORCED TO STOP “KEEPING IT ON”

YACHT CLUB—Dr. Skunk and the Chimichangas, an Iowa City-based rap-funk band composed of nine caucasians born in Iowa, had to discontinue “keeping it on” early Sunday morning as a result of the arrival of the break of dawn.

Bassist Nick "Skunk Flex" Meyers. (Image from http://www.nappyheadedbros.com/)

Nick Meyers, AKA Skunk Flex, one of Dr. Skunk’s two bassists, explained to The Iowa Iowan that he and his fellow Chimichangas had been keeping it on for “at least like five hours” at the Yacht Club.

“And then the fucking break of dawn showed up, so we had to stop keeping it on. It was fucking bullshit.”

Meyers said that Dr. Skunk and the Chimichangas’ new album will be released “as soon as [vocalist/trombonist] Gabe gets his computer back from his uncle.”

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Oct 26 2011
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arts and culture

UI STUDENT REALLY INTO TAKING PICTURES OF INTELLIGENT GRAFFITI LATELY

MAIN LIBRARY—UI sophomore Tom Coran’s hobby isn’t easy: he spends multiple minutes every day looking under bridges and at the sides of dumpsters in search of graffiti that isn’t just the nickname of some smelly person who wears white sleeveless shirts.

“Anything that has something clever about it,” said Coran when asked what qualifies for intelligent graffiti. “It might be self-referential, or a literary allusion, or just a depiction of a cartoon character we all liked when we were younger and no longer actively like but that we can still fondly recall.”

The most difficult aspect of his hobby, says Coran, is deciding which iPhone image filter to apply to the photographs he takes before posting them to his Tumblr account.

“In my opinion, it’s my Tumblr followers’ job to decide what this graffiti ‘means,’ ” says Coran. “The Statue of Liberty holding a machine gun could represent several things to different people, as could an unattributed Jack Kerouac quote.”

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Aug 05 2011
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arts and culture, fashion

IOWA CITY HIPSTER DISCOVERS NEW WAYS OF BEING HIP

STARBUCKS—UI senior Maggie Kemmer greeted Monday morning with a different routine.

The sequins on her Victoria’s Secret PINK tracksuit sparkled in the sun, unlike her usual forest-green knitted sweater. Kemmer jogged to Starbucks, where she ordered a vanilla Frappucino, instead of brewing her own tea and drinking it from an unwashed mug at home.

“I am just doing what feels right for me right now” Kemmer said as she put on her Hawkeye sweater and UGG boots. “I think it’s, like, really important that you just listen to yourself and forget about what everyone else thinks.”

Kemmer, an English major—although she thinks her new calling is nursing—told The Iowa Iowan that she and her friends realized the lifestyle they were living was all wrong.

The group of students used to spend their Saturday afternoons at Prairie Lights pretending to look at books or at the Java House to pregame a show at the Warehouse. Now, Kemmer says, they spend their Saturdays “day drinking” and watching whatever sports event is on TV.

Kemmer’s typical night ends on the Ped Mall, where she and her friends act more drunk than they are and dance and yell for no reason until they pass out somewhere.

“I guess you could say we’re just trying to do our own thing, instead of what’s ‘in’ right now.” Kemmer said. “We just like to be alternative and do things that really matter to us.”

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Jul 27 2011
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arts and culture, fashion

THAT BLACK GUY WITH DREADLOCKS TURNS OUT TO BE PRETTY LAME

FAIR GROUNDS COFFEEHOUSE—To the dismay of white hipsters all over Iowa City, it was recently revealed that Maserati Clark, better known as that cool-looking black guy with dreadlocks, is pretty much just a boring douchebag.

“I’ve been Facebook creeping on Maserati since freshman year,” hipster Sasha Reynolds, 21, told The Iowa Iowan Monday. “All his profile pictures are just stills from Kubrick films, so there was really no doubt in my mind that he was really cool.”

Aspects of Clark’s personal life have likely been fabricated over the years through hipster fantasies. Some white hipsters believe him to be a rapper in the vein of Busdriver, while others hypothesize that he constructs handcrafted fixed-gear bicycles.

Busdriver, an actual Cool Black Guy With Dreadlocks. (Image courtesy of XLR8R)

As one might expect, the white hipster community was hit hard when Clark was seen at Fair Grounds Coffeehouse wearing a T-shirt depicting the heavy-metal band Disturbed and reading the 2006 self-help bestseller The Secret.

News has also surfaced that Clark says “That’s what she said” well beyond the point of its being a playful reference to The Office, and that his favorite movie is The Crow.

“Man, if I can’t count on a black guy with dreadlocks being cool, what hope is there for any stranger whose coolness I judge by their outward appearance?” lamented local hipster Chad Routh.

“Next thing they’re gonna tell me is that that one guy with an ironic moustache doesn’t drink soy milk.”

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Jul 03 2011
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arts and culture

MAN CLAIMS TO BE FAMILIAR WITH JAZZ FEST ARTISTS

PENTACREST—A local man claims to actually have heard of several of the artists who played at the annual Jazz Festival in downtown Iowa City this weekend.

31-year-old Jason Bradsell scanned an event program last Friday, pointing out almost a half-dozen acts he said he’d heard of before.

“Oh man, Elsie Parker and the Poor People of Paris—those guys are great,” Bradsell said.

Event organizers and other event-goers, though, were skeptical of Bradsell’s claims.

“Nobody fucking listens to jazz except for during Jazz Fest every year,” said spectator Martha Carberry, “and even the people who come are only here because we don’t have another reason to use these lawn chairs.”

Researches say it’s not even clear jazz music is a real thing, in fact. While Google searches for the bands Bradsell claimed to be familiar with generate hundreds of results, one expert said that’s something that can easily be faked.

“You know, with technology the way it is today, any kid with a laptop can fake a whole genre of music,” said Lloyd Brown, a professor in the University of Iowa School of Music. “I would urge apprehension toward anyone who purports to enjoy this shit.”

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Apr 08 2011
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arts and culture, campus news

NICE GUY FINISH LAST

LIBARRY—Wrote on desk in libarry, “Nice guy finish LAST.”



Student at University making homework. Heartbroke is forever.

Is The Iowan Iowa.

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Apr 04 2011
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arts and culture

HIPSTER DOESN’T SEE AS MANY MISSION CREEK SHOWS AS SHE CLAIMED SHE WOULD

RAGSTOCK—Amie VanDerVeueling, 19, promised her friends and Twitter followers she would attend at least five Mission Creek shows.

Mission Creek is an annual music and arts festival in Iowa City. This year, notable acts that nobody attended included John Waters, members of Sonic Youth, Guided by Voices, DeVotchka, and Jeff Tweedy. The festival supposedly took place March 28 through April 4.

VanDerVeueling had claimed to be either “fukkin stoked!” or “so gaw dang exicted!!!” to attend performances by artists including The Hood Internet, Poison Control Center, Das Racist, and others, via her Twitter. One tweet from March 27 reads: “cant wait for mission creek omgomg!”.

The sobering truth is that VanDerVeueling, in actuality, attended only one Mission Creek performance, and did so accidentally while trying to get drunk at the Mill.

A coworker of VanDerVeueling’s at Ragstock told The Iowa Iowan that she “had to work all those nights, and as a hipster, doesn’t really understand what a schedule conflict is.”

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Mar 24 2011
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arts and culture, campus news

WRITERS’ WORKSHOP RETRACTS MAXIM TO “SHOW, DON’T TELL”

DEY HOUSE—Professors teaching in the University’s MFA writing program, the famous “Iowa Writers’ Workshop,” have officially retracted the universal literary adage to “show, don’t tell.”

According to Professor James A. McPherson, “show, don’t tell” was originally a joke, played by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. on his classmates during his stint in the Writers’ Workshop.

“Vonnegut was such an asshole,” McPherson told The Iowa Iowan. “Piss-drunk in class every day.”

The phrase stuck, sources say, and until recently, it was still commonplace to critique a piece of creative writing by telling the author to “show” rather than “tell.”

“Honestly, it’s an embarrassment to writers everywhere,” McPherson said, “that it took us this long to realize that you can’t ‘show’—you have to ‘tell.’ Because it’s a fucking story.”

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