Filed under fashion

IOWA CITY HIPSTER DISCOVERS NEW WAYS OF BEING HIP

STARBUCKS—UI senior Maggie Kemmer greeted Monday morning with a different routine.

The sequins on her Victoria’s Secret PINK tracksuit sparkled in the sun, unlike her usual forest-green knitted sweater. Kemmer jogged to Starbucks, where she ordered a vanilla Frappucino, instead of brewing her own tea and drinking it from an unwashed mug at home.

“I am just doing what feels right for me right now” Kemmer said as she put on her Hawkeye sweater and UGG boots. “I think it’s, like, really important that you just listen to yourself and forget about what everyone else thinks.”

Kemmer, an English major—although she thinks her new calling is nursing—told The Iowa Iowan that she and her friends realized the lifestyle they were living was all wrong.

The group of students used to spend their Saturday afternoons at Prairie Lights pretending to look at books or at the Java House to pregame a show at the Warehouse. Now, Kemmer says, they spend their Saturdays “day drinking” and watching whatever sports event is on TV.

Kemmer’s typical night ends on the Ped Mall, where she and her friends act more drunk than they are and dance and yell for no reason until they pass out somewhere.

“I guess you could say we’re just trying to do our own thing, instead of what’s ‘in’ right now.” Kemmer said. “We just like to be alternative and do things that really matter to us.”

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THAT BLACK GUY WITH DREADLOCKS TURNS OUT TO BE PRETTY LAME

FAIR GROUNDS COFFEEHOUSE—To the dismay of white hipsters all over Iowa City, it was recently revealed that Maserati Clark, better known as that cool-looking black guy with dreadlocks, is pretty much just a boring douchebag.

“I’ve been Facebook creeping on Maserati since freshman year,” hipster Sasha Reynolds, 21, told The Iowa Iowan Monday. “All his profile pictures are just stills from Kubrick films, so there was really no doubt in my mind that he was really cool.”

Aspects of Clark’s personal life have likely been fabricated over the years through hipster fantasies. Some white hipsters believe him to be a rapper in the vein of Busdriver, while others hypothesize that he constructs handcrafted fixed-gear bicycles.

Busdriver, an actual Cool Black Guy With Dreadlocks. (Image courtesy of XLR8R)

As one might expect, the white hipster community was hit hard when Clark was seen at Fair Grounds Coffeehouse wearing a T-shirt depicting the heavy-metal band Disturbed and reading the 2006 self-help bestseller The Secret.

News has also surfaced that Clark says “That’s what she said” well beyond the point of its being a playful reference to The Office, and that his favorite movie is The Crow.

“Man, if I can’t count on a black guy with dreadlocks being cool, what hope is there for any stranger whose coolness I judge by their outward appearance?” lamented local hipster Chad Routh.

“Next thing they’re gonna tell me is that that one guy with an ironic moustache doesn’t drink soy milk.”

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UNIVERSITEES NOW SELLING “I AM AMBIVALENT TOWARD IOWA CITY” T-SHIRTS

OLD CAPITOL MALL—The popular University-themed clothing store UniversiTees recently released a T-shirt design intended to capture the most common sentiment among people who live in Iowa City: ‘I AM AMBIVALENT TOWARD IOWA CITY.’

“Those shirts that say ‘I (HEART) IC’ just aren’t true,” sophomore Saul Bern told The Iowa Iowan Wednesday. “For anybody.”

UniversiTees owner Kelsey Mitchell, 32, herself an ambivalent resident of Iowa City, said that the new shirt design is the result of long-term research and development. “We tried a shirt that said ‘I HATE IC,’ but it completely sold out just before Iowa’s home football game against the Wisconsin Badgers in October.

“And I’m just not comfortable with another design one of my employees pitched: ‘IC IS FUCKING GAY.’”

Sarah Smith, a senior business major, told The Iowa Iowan, “I mean, it’s like, I live here, you know? I go to school here. But it’s not like I like it. It’s okay.”

Anticipating a high demand for the ‘I AM AMBIVALENT TOWARD IOWA CITY’ T-shirts, UniversiTees has stocked up in all sizes and colors.

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AREA WOMAN’S UNATTRACTIVENESS COMPLETELY CONCEALED BY IRONIC GLASSES

JAVA HOUSE—Who would have thought that a pair of glasses once considered garbage by the high aesthetic standards of the early 1990s could entirely salvage a young woman’s social life from a pit of despair? Not this reporter!

Michelle Farnsworth, 19, a homely sophomore from Altoona, IA, majoring in Journalism and Mass Communication, didn’t have a single friend her entire freshman year at the University.

But today, dashing young men (and even a few women!) are completely blind to Farnsworth’s “Italian-style” upper lip and the tub of fat overhanging the belt on her low-rise jeans. “People ask me for my Twitter username all the time,” Farnsworth told The Iowa Iowan Wednesday, before taking a sip of her chai tea. “Sometimes, if it feels right, we end up Facebook chatting until two or three in the morning.”

The difference lies in a single pair of large-lens, thin-silver-framed glasses that Farnsworth discovered at Ragstock over winter break. She describes the key to her new social life as “those really ugly glasses from the eighties. You know, like fat guys with comb-overs used to wear.”

Paradoxically, these hideous glasses are a welcome addition to Farnsworth’s pockmarked face. Farnsworth explained: “It’s like I’m saying to everyone, ‘Hey, everyone, we all know these glasses are ugly, but I’m wearing them as a joke! Get it?’”

The glasses have even caused a spike in Farnsworth’s love life. “I don’t like to kiss and tell,” she said with a smirk, “but you couldn’t imagine how much drunken, unprotected sex I have while wearing these glasses.”

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