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Dec 29 2011
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food and dining, local/coralville news

TACO BELL FORCED TO SHUT DOWN AFTER RUNNING OUT OF TACO SHELLS

OLD CAPITAL MALL—Sad news hit Iowa City this week as the Old Capitol Mall Taco Bell shut down for good.

“I knew it was serious when I saw the soda dispenser ripped out of the counter,” said University sophomore Gary Truckstain.

Rumors initially swirled around about the reason for the closure. Most credible accounts pointed to either a hostage situation or terrorist attack.

The Iowa Iowan obtained an exclusive phone interview with the manager of the fast food restaurant, who asked only to be called “Frank.”

“Yeah, we just ran out of taco shells,” Frank revealed. “We had enough tortillas left to have probably stayed open for a few more days just selling soft shell stuff, but I wanted to get home for the football game so I said, ‘Screw it—we’re shuttin’ down!’ ”

In a unique vigil, Iowa City residents have taken to drunkenly yelling imaginary taco orders at the defunct restaurant site.

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Nov 27 2011
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food and dining, tech and gadgets

UI STUDENT HOSPITALIZED BY EXCESSIVELY KICKING SOME SERIOUS ASS IN MW3

WASHINGTON ST.—A University of Iowa sophomore was reportedly hospitalized Wednesday after playing the newly released XBOX 360 game Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 for nearly 150 hours straight, missing his family’s Thanksgiving meal in the process.

“I started playing last Thursday when everyone was leaving town,” Brett Munchausen told The Iowa Iowan in a phone interview from a UIHC rehabilitation facility. “I prestiged, like, at least nine times.”

Authorities were alerted to Munchausen’s possible disappearance when they received a call from his mother who claimed Munchausen hadn’t shown up for Thanksgiving at his family’s residence in Waterloo, IA.

“My boy never misses my mashed potatoes,” Mrs. Munchausen said, “As soon as we were seated at the Thanksgiving table and no one was eating them, I realized he was still in Iowa City.”

Munchausen, who lost nearly thirty pounds during the gaming binge, says this isn’t the first time something like this has happened.

“When World of Warcraft first came out and I ran out of food, I was living on my own hair and fingernails for a while. Definitely worth it.”

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Jul 13 2011
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food and dining

PARTIERS STUNNED BY VISIT TO PANCHERO’S

DOWNTOWN—Three partiers were stunned to find an employee of Panchero’s Mexican Grill who actually spoke English late Wednesday night.

According to a Facebook status update posted at 11:39PM Wednesday night, UI student Paul Lawrence and two friends ordered a burrito at Panchero’s Mexican Grill and were astounded when the employee taking the order allegedly began speaking English.

“He was all asking us what we wanted on our burritos and stuff,” Lawrence said in an interview with The Iowa Iowan. “I’ve never had that kind of service [at Panchero's].”

When prompted for the employee’s name, though, none of the three students had any recollection, leading some to remain skeptical of his existence.

“I’ve gone to Panchero’s for years, and I’ve never heard of something like this,” lifelong Iowa City resident Bill Dyers said.

Panchero’s, a restaurant generally known for selling Mexican food for more than it’s worth, relies essentially on its employees’ competence in understanding drunken pointing during the ordering process, a company representative told The Iowa Iowan in an email Tuesday.

“The general sobriety of anyone passing through our restaurants is usually next to nothing, so we usually skip the whole ‘customer service’ part of training,” Panchero’s Director of Marketing Jeoffrey Fasters wrote.

“Claiming one of our employees was coherently speaking English? Those kids must have been pretty messed up.”

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Jun 28 2011
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campus news, food and dining, local/coralville news

GRASSROOTS MURDERER PROTESTS CORN-FED COLLEGE STUDENTS

SOUTH SIDE, IOWA CITY—Jeremiah Stickmore, 48, isn’t happy with what’s going into his college students these days.

Many Iowan college students today are corn-fed.

Stickmore is a forward-thinking serial killer who says he has been murdering University of Iowa students since “the good old days”—the days when college students were grass-fed and free-range. For the past nine days, Stickmore has staged a quasi-hunger strike, consuming only pure high-fructose corn syrup while sitting on the steps of the Old Capitol.

Most UI students raised in Iowa are fed an all-corn-based diet. With rare exceptions, these corn-fed Iowans are placed in confined environments from birth, restricted from free roaming and access to general knowledge about the world.

“It ain’t the same no more,” Stickmore told The Iowa Iowan. “Know what? Teenagers ’round here eat fifteen hundred gallons of high-fructose corn syrup each, every single year. And they’s parents doesn’t let them play ’round in the yard or watch interesting movies or nothin’.”

Corn-based diets are exceedingly economical, and most of the corn that goes into corn-based foods, such as high-fructose corn syrup, is grown in Iowa. Many in the scientific community now worry, however, that the low cost of corn-based foods comes at a high cost later in life.

Murderers like Stickmore are prominent in the affected populations. Stickmore became emotional in an interview with The Iowa Iowan, recalling the reasons he began murdering: “The texture in they’s muscles, that smooth hair, and that real life-force in they’s struggle to get away from me.”

“Now’days I just don’t see the point.”

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The Iowa Iowan is hiring!

Reporters, photographers, and web designers: email theiowaiowan@gmail.com for application information.

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Jun 20 2011
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campus news, food and dining

“CHEBA HUT” COMPETITOR OPENS IN IOWA CITY

BURLINGTON ST—A new sandwich restaurant has opened on campus following the “drug-use theme” trend set by Cheba Hut. It’s called Harry Jones’s Black Tar Eatery, and it’s a feel-good, heroin-themed soup-and-sandwich shop.

Whether or not you enjoy shooting up in real life, founder Kirk Deiman, 42, says you’ll be “wired” after trying one of their “spoon-cooked” soups or “decked” sandwiches.

Sandwiches can be bought in “teenth,” “henry,” and “nine-bar” sizes, and soups come in “tricycle”- and “bicycle”-sized bowls.

“College students can have a good laugh using ‘drug words’ when they order food,” Deiman said. “Kids eat that shit up at the Cheba Hut.”

Deiman claims the Cheba Hut is really just a “gateway restaurant” to his more potent and more addictive restaurant.

Harry Jones is, of course, more expensive over time, and not as healthy as Cheba Hut.

Many students are comfortable going to Cheba Hut one to three times daily, but are apprehensive to try Harry Jones. UI student Blake Francis told The Iowa Iowan, “Just because I like Cheeba Hut doesn’t mean I want to try stuff like Harry Jones.”

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The Iowa Iowan is hiring!

Reporters, photographers, and web designers: email theiowaiowan@gmail.com for application information.

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Mar 18 2011
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food and dining, local/coralville news

BURGE MARKETPLACE EMPLOYEE SPENDS SPRING BREAK COOKING SHITTY FOOD AT HOME

Coralville—Rhonda Bower, 56, one of the head chefs at Burge Marketplace, spent her week off from work “doing what I do best.”

In her Coralville home, where Bower invited The Iowa Iowan for a buffet-style tasting party, she crafted an array of burnt grilled-cheese sandwiches, rubbery cuts of flank steak, and dry pasta topped with watery marinara sauce.

“This is what I love to do, you know?” Bower said, proudly surveying the countless options.

“I’m responsible for making sure that the bottles of salad dressing never get cleaned, so that you get it all over your hands when you pick them up.” And sure enough, this reporter’s hands were covered in low-fat ranch dressing by the end of the afternoon.

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