The Iowa Iowan

IOWA CITY PUBLIC TRANSIT—Riders on Friday’s Free Shuttle were interrupted when a local douchebag stepped onto the bus and began bragging about his fantasy football team while talking on his cell phone.

“I’m still undefeated man,” University student Tyler Disay said entirely too loudly according to a number of eyewitnesses. “I’m, like, ranked second in the league and am favored again this week. Peterson all the way!”

Fellow bus riders apparently realized Disay was a douchebag immediately, but were unsure how to respond. MANY posted Facebook statuses to indirectly inform their friends of the situation.

“I wanted to say something but I just decided to turn the volume up for ‘Pumped Up Kicks’ on my iPod,” Iowa junior Shelby Henderson said. “Oh my God, that song is the best! Have you guys heard it?!”

Most experts agree Henderson responded appropriately to the situation.

“For most normal people, the rule is to avoid any kind of social interaction while using public transportation or in any public place other than a bar,” University of Iowa Clinical Psychologist Rebecca Laurain told The Iowa Iowan in a phone call. “Thankfully, these kids did exactly what MTV has taught them to do.”

“After all, people who play fantasy football really only have two things to keep them from killing themselves: fantasy football and foot-fetish porn,” Laurain said. “To be honest, they shouldn’t even be considered people.”