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UI TO OFFER SPRING COURSE ON WRITING RESPONSES TO STEPHEN BLOOM’S ATLANTIC ARTICLE

ADLER JOURNALISM BUILDING—According to sources, Journalism Professor Colson Boyle has agreed to teach a class this spring aimed to equip journalism students with the necessary set of skills to write a response to Stephen Bloom’s article in the Atlantic about his twenty years of Iowa life.

Students who enroll in the class will learn how to make their opinions sound valid despite living in Iowa. “It helps if they double-major in International Studies or Spanish or something,” said Boyle. “Nobody respects a Journalism-and-Nothing major.”

One of the main focuses of the class will be pretending that you have no idea what Professor Bloom means by the phrase ‘waste-toid’ and then stating that you nor anyone you know uses meth.

The final three weeks of the course will be in a workshop-format. “You don’t just want to say, ‘Hey Bloom, you’re a dick.’ You have to really hit it home,” explained Boyle, “by challenging Bloom’s sources and adding in a bunch of your own numbers and statistics about how great Iowa is. We need to bounce these ideas off our peers.”

At the end of the semester, students will be encouraged to post their responses to their personal blogs where they will go safely unread by anyone.

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AFTER DROPPING JOURNALISM MAJOR, UI STUDENT CAN FINALLY REMOVE PENCIL FROM BEHIND EAR

SCHAEFFER HALL—Adam Martin, a UI junior who “wasted” his first two and a half years at the University as a Journalism and Mass Communications major, changed his major to “open” early Monday morning and was suddenly able to discard the No. 2 pencil that has been perched above his right ear since August of 2009.

“We’re sorry to see him go,” said UI journalism professor Frank “Frankie Ding-Dong” Durham. “He was probably the only kid who did any of the reading in my cultural-historical foundations of communication class.”

“Fuck that shit,” Martin explained to The Iowa Iowan regarding Ding-Dong’s class.

“Journalism is about interviewing Bob Dylan for Rolling Stone and spending a year on the couch analyzing LeBron James’s free throws for an incisive GQ profile—not reading stupid articles about the Women’s Rights Movement.”

Looking back, Martin says he’s glad he only worked at the DI for a semester his sophomore year. “This pencil fell out from behind my ear once and the editor at the DI threatened to fire me.”

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WITNESSES: IOWA P. IOWAN SPOTTED IN PUBLIC

ADLER JOURNALISM BUILDING—Man-about-town Iowa P. Iowan was reportedly seen on the University of Iowa campus on Sunday night, witnesses say.

Iowan, editor and publisher of The Iowa Iowan, is famously sparse. Only a handful of sitings have been verified during the billionaire tycoon’s time in Iowa City. And even interview subjects say they never met, spoken to, or heard of Iowan.

“I was just sitting in the [Adler Journalism Building] and I just knew it was him walking by,” sophomore Jenny Bradsell said.

Experts are working to verify the authenticity of a video purporting to capture a few seconds of Iowan. In Tuesday’s edition of Daily Iowan TV, Iowan can allegedly be seen cutting across the background at the 1:10 mark.

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SOMETHING HAPPENS, NOT NEWS TO THE DAILY IOWAN

ADLER JOURNALISM BUILDING—The University of Iowa’s student-produced newspaper broke tradition Monday when it deemed something not newsworthy.

For years, The Daily Iowan has clad t-shirts and mugs with its slogan, “If it happens…it’s news to us.” However, media critics frenzied this week when the DI failed to lend coverage to UI Provost P. Barry Butler straightening his tie in a car window on Jefferson Avenue on Monday afternoon.

“Clearly, that’s something that happened, so if the DI is to hold true to its code of ethics, this event ought to be news to them,” UI journalism professor Judy Polumbaum told The Iowa Iowan.

Staffers at the DI, however, were apparently unaware of the controversy.

“The Provost did what now?” DI Editor-in-Chief Adam B Sullivan said.

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DAILY IOWAN MULLS MULLING

ADLER JOURNALISM BUILDING—The Daily Iowan is notorious for being the University of Iowa’s mulliest newspaper.

“I see mulling as one of the most essential things any individual or organization can do in being part of this campus community,” DI editor in chief Brian Stewart told The Iowa Iowan Monday.

“If we as a newspaper didn’t mull, the University community wouldn’t know who has been mulling and who hasn’t been mulling.”

The Daily Iowan boasts a stunning 81 uses of the word “mull” on its website. It’s safe to say that no other news organization in Eastern Iowa has mulled as many mullings as the DI.

“When we write headlines,” Stewart told The Iowa Iowan, “we are always sure to use the absolute most gripping and colorful verbs.”

Stewart is currently working with Professor Frank “Frankie Ding-Dong” Durham on creating a class within the department of the POROIOPOROI aiming to explore the powers, implications, and dangers of mulling in today’s society.

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