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HOMEBOUND UI STUDENT RESORTS TO WATCHING NON-ACTORS’ COMMENTARIES ON DVDS OF THE OFFICE

DOWNERS GROVE, IL—After a brutal week at her parents’ house for Thanksgiving break, Brianne Kosier, a sophomore Communication Studies major, has been forced to watch commentaries on episodes of The Office by boring non-famous people such as executive producers.

“I only have seasons two and three on DVD, so I finished the actual episodes on like Wednesday,” said Kosier in a phone interview with The Iowa Iowan.

The next logical step for Kosier was the deleted scenes. “Those were kind of funny,” she said. “I don’t know, they’re awkward.”

Kosier said she was reluctant even to watch the episodes with commentaries by the actors. “It kind of ruins it when they call Jim ‘John’ and Pam ‘Jenna,’ you know?”

“And I just kept scrounging deeper into the special features,” said Kosier, citing a “literal” inability to get up and do something else.

“Now I’m listening to some guy named BJ Novak talk about how many shots they had to do on this scene where Karen is talking to Jim. This is so gay.”

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STUDENT MISTAKENLY PREPARES FOR SPRING BREAK ONE WEEK LATE

Rienow Hall—Freshman Billy Strim, 19, is excited to spend next week in Austin, Texas, “partying with some high school friends all god damn week.”

In preparation for his debauchery, Strim chose to skip all of his classes this week. “Gotta keep the party tanks full, you know?” he told The Iowa Iowan Friday. “So I basically just played Duty for the past seven days straight.”

Strim was last seen packing Abercrombie cologne into an Adidas duffel bag in his dorm room in Rienow.

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