Students who enroll in the class will learn how to make their opinions sound valid despite living in Iowa. “It helps if they double-major in International Studies or Spanish or something,” said Boyle. “Nobody respects a Journalism-and-Nothing major.”

One of the main focuses of the class will be pretending that you have no idea what Professor Bloom means by the phrase ‘waste-toid’ and then stating that you nor anyone you know uses meth.

The final three weeks of the course will be in a workshop-format. “You don’t just want to say, ‘Hey Bloom, you’re a dick.’ You have to really hit it home,” explained Boyle, “by challenging Bloom’s sources and adding in a bunch of your own numbers and statistics about how great Iowa is. We need to bounce these ideas off our peers.”

At the end of the semester, students will be encouraged to post their responses to their personal blogs where they will go safely unread by anyone.

“I was so busy this year,” Muriel told The Iowa Iowan in a phone interview. “I literally had no chance to see a play, or buy fruit at New Pioneer, or talk to someone who’s not white or a football player.”

“Studying for my Media Law final took up a lot of time,” Muriel said. “Oh, and waiting in the smoothie line at the CRWC.”

In 2012, Muriel plans to decide to walk instead of taking the Cambus and then to decide that it’s too cold to walk and that her legs are tired.

Muriel concluded her pensive moment by posting the following Facebook status: “what a wild ride around the sun :0)”.

I live next to a household of inconsiderate college students who need to learn a thing or two about yard upkeep and noise regulations.

They’re a bunch of dicks.

The departure of a large number of students also means that the downtown area becomes severely less crowded. Local patrons are finally free to enjoy the amenities that they actually pay taxes for.

As an Iowa City native and long-time food eater, I was super excited when the Panchero’s was first built, but it is always so busy with students that every time I walk by thinking of getting a burrito or something, I’m just like, ‘Screw it,’ And I just end up making something at home.

Over the winter and summer breaks I purchase between 100 and 120 burritos. When I do find an opportunity to get my Mexican on, I usually end up getting three or four burritos at a time. I even have a Mexi-corner in my freezer reserved for them.

As the corner of my freezer began to get restocked these past few weeks, students left in droves. And I would suggest that every true resident crack a smile and breathe a sigh of relief. It’s been a long time coming, my friend.

“I knew it was serious when I saw the soda dispenser ripped out of the counter,” said University sophomore Gary Truckstain.

Rumors initially swirled around about the reason for the closure. Most credible accounts pointed to either a hostage situation or terrorist attack.

The Iowa Iowan obtained an exclusive phone interview with the manager of the fast food restaurant, who asked only to be called “Frank.”

“Yeah, we just ran out of taco shells,” Frank revealed. “We had enough tortillas left to have probably stayed open for a few more days just selling soft shell stuff, but I wanted to get home for the football game so I said, ‘Screw it—we’re shuttin’ down!’ ”

In a unique vigil, Iowa City residents have taken to drunkenly yelling imaginary taco orders at the defunct restaurant site.

“It’s just heartbreaking,” Richards said in an interview with The Iowa Iowan Tuesday. “I dare you to look at one of these bookmarks-folders and not feel something.”

Soon after computers became popular on college campuses, young writers at the UI began locating opportunities for submitting their work to magazines, newspapers, and literary reviews. “Most of these folders are just crammed with publications these kids will never get into, and then just forgotten about.”

“Sometimes the students will switch browsers,” said Richards. “And it’s just convenient to forget that their ‘Freelance Opportunities’ folder is still in Safari when they start using Firefox.”

“I guess there are about fifty links in my folder,” an English major who wished to remain anonymous told The Iowa Iowan via email. “C’mon, I don’t want to think about that.”

The Richards “Freelance Opportunities” Bookmarks-Folders Shelter welcomes walk-ins, but folders will be tested for earthwords before being admitted.

“We’re sorry to see him go,” said UI journalism professor Frank “Frankie Ding-Dong” Durham. “He was probably the only kid who did any of the reading in my cultural-historical foundations of communication class.”

“Fuck that shit,” Martin explained to The Iowa Iowan regarding Ding-Dong’s class.

“Journalism is about interviewing Bob Dylan for Rolling Stone and spending a year on the couch analyzing LeBron James’s free throws for an incisive GQ profile—not reading stupid articles about the Women’s Rights Movement.”

Looking back, Martin says he’s glad he only worked at the DI for a semester his sophomore year. “This pencil fell out from behind my ear once and the editor at the DI threatened to fire me.”

Bassist Nick "Skunk Flex" Meyers. (Image from http://www.nappyheadedbros.com/)

Nick Meyers, AKA Skunk Flex, one of Dr. Skunk’s two bassists, explained to The Iowa Iowan that he and his fellow Chimichangas had been keeping it on for “at least like five hours” at the Yacht Club.

“And then the fucking break of dawn showed up, so we had to stop keeping it on. It was fucking bullshit.”

Meyers said that Dr. Skunk and the Chimichangas’ new album will be released “as soon as [vocalist/trombonist] Gabe gets his computer back from his uncle.”

“I started playing last Thursday when everyone was leaving town,” Brett Munchausen told The Iowa Iowan in a phone interview from a UIHC rehabilitation facility. “I prestiged, like, at least nine times.”

Authorities were alerted to Munchausen’s possible disappearance when they received a call from his mother who claimed Munchausen hadn’t shown up for Thanksgiving at his family’s residence in Waterloo, IA.

“My boy never misses my mashed potatoes,” Mrs. Munchausen said, “As soon as we were seated at the Thanksgiving table and no one was eating them, I realized he was still in Iowa City.”

Munchausen, who lost nearly thirty pounds during the gaming binge, says this isn’t the first time something like this has happened.

“When World of Warcraft first came out and I ran out of food, I was living on my own hair and fingernails for a while. Definitely worth it.”

“I only have seasons two and three on DVD, so I finished the actual episodes on like Wednesday,” said Kosier in a phone interview with The Iowa Iowan.

The next logical step for Kosier was the deleted scenes. “Those were kind of funny,” she said. “I don’t know, they’re awkward.”

Kosier said she was reluctant even to watch the episodes with commentaries by the actors. “It kind of ruins it when they call Jim ‘John’ and Pam ‘Jenna,’ you know?”

“And I just kept scrounging deeper into the special features,” said Kosier, citing a “literal” inability to get up and do something else.

“Now I’m listening to some guy named BJ Novak talk about how many shots they had to do on this scene where Karen is talking to Jim. This is so gay.”

Drews has never once in his life owned a black SUV with black and gold vanity plates.

“Whenever I’m at church, I’m mostly just coming up with various license plate letter/number combinations in my head,” said Drews. “Of course, HAWKFAN is taken, and so is GOHAWKS.”

Drews seems less concerned with actually obtaining a black SUV. “That’s part of it, sure,” he told The Iowa Iowan Tuesday. “But I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.” He says the Hawkeyes might have a better 2012 season if he can get his black SUV with black and gold vanity plates by September.

“Do you think FIGHT4IA is taken?” Drews asked The Iowa Iowan with apparent desperation. “Shoot, that’s too many letters.”