Tagged with hipsters

IOWA CITY HIPSTER DISCOVERS NEW WAYS OF BEING HIP

STARBUCKS—UI senior Maggie Kemmer greeted Monday morning with a different routine.

The sequins on her Victoria’s Secret PINK tracksuit sparkled in the sun, unlike her usual forest-green knitted sweater. Kemmer jogged to Starbucks, where she ordered a vanilla Frappucino, instead of brewing her own tea and drinking it from an unwashed mug at home.

“I am just doing what feels right for me right now” Kemmer said as she put on her Hawkeye sweater and UGG boots. “I think it’s, like, really important that you just listen to yourself and forget about what everyone else thinks.”

Kemmer, an English major—although she thinks her new calling is nursing—told The Iowa Iowan that she and her friends realized the lifestyle they were living was all wrong.

The group of students used to spend their Saturday afternoons at Prairie Lights pretending to look at books or at the Java House to pregame a show at the Warehouse. Now, Kemmer says, they spend their Saturdays “day drinking” and watching whatever sports event is on TV.

Kemmer’s typical night ends on the Ped Mall, where she and her friends act more drunk than they are and dance and yell for no reason until they pass out somewhere.

“I guess you could say we’re just trying to do our own thing, instead of what’s ‘in’ right now.” Kemmer said. “We just like to be alternative and do things that really matter to us.”

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THAT BLACK GUY WITH DREADLOCKS TURNS OUT TO BE PRETTY LAME

FAIR GROUNDS COFFEEHOUSE—To the dismay of white hipsters all over Iowa City, it was recently revealed that Maserati Clark, better known as that cool-looking black guy with dreadlocks, is pretty much just a boring douchebag.

“I’ve been Facebook creeping on Maserati since freshman year,” hipster Sasha Reynolds, 21, told The Iowa Iowan Monday. “All his profile pictures are just stills from Kubrick films, so there was really no doubt in my mind that he was really cool.”

Aspects of Clark’s personal life have likely been fabricated over the years through hipster fantasies. Some white hipsters believe him to be a rapper in the vein of Busdriver, while others hypothesize that he constructs handcrafted fixed-gear bicycles.

Busdriver, an actual Cool Black Guy With Dreadlocks. (Image courtesy of XLR8R)

As one might expect, the white hipster community was hit hard when Clark was seen at Fair Grounds Coffeehouse wearing a T-shirt depicting the heavy-metal band Disturbed and reading the 2006 self-help bestseller The Secret.

News has also surfaced that Clark says “That’s what she said” well beyond the point of its being a playful reference to The Office, and that his favorite movie is The Crow.

“Man, if I can’t count on a black guy with dreadlocks being cool, what hope is there for any stranger whose coolness I judge by their outward appearance?” lamented local hipster Chad Routh.

“Next thing they’re gonna tell me is that that one guy with an ironic moustache doesn’t drink soy milk.”

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IOWA CITY HIPSTERS SHOCKED BY FOOTBALL GAME

DOWNTOWN—The local hipster community was taken aback this weekend when they witnessed legions of football fans in downtown Iowa City, more than a month after the University of Iowa’s intercollegiate squad wrapped up its season.

“I thought we were done with these assholes until next fall,” said 22-year-old Oasis employee Josh Haskins, adjusting his plaid button-up shirt.

Indeed, the Iowa Hawkeyes’ football season ended last December. But hipsters were apparently unaware that the National Football League season continued into February, ending with this weekend’s Super Bowl XLV.

Haskins said he and a few friends were smoking in front of Deadwood on Sunday afternoon when they saw a few dozen asshole Green Bay Packer fans trickle into nearby Sports Column.

Officials from the NFL insist they spent millions on promotional campaigns leading up to the Super Bowl in hopes of avoiding situations like the one in Iowa City.

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