Tagged with pancheros

OP-ED: THESE FROZEN BURRITOS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING

As I look out upon my front sidewalk and don’t see any assholes waiting for the Cambus, I know locals like me are breathing a sigh of relief.

I live next to a household of inconsiderate college students who need to learn a thing or two about yard upkeep and noise regulations.

They’re a bunch of dicks.

The departure of a large number of students also means that the downtown area becomes severely less crowded. Local patrons are finally free to enjoy the amenities that they actually pay taxes for.

As an Iowa City native and long-time food eater, I was super excited when the Panchero’s was first built, but it is always so busy with students that every time I walk by thinking of getting a burrito or something, I’m just like, ‘Screw it,’ And I just end up making something at home.

Over the winter and summer breaks I purchase between 100 and 120 burritos. When I do find an opportunity to get my Mexican on, I usually end up getting three or four burritos at a time. I even have a Mexi-corner in my freezer reserved for them.

As the corner of my freezer began to get restocked these past few weeks, students left in droves. And I would suggest that every true resident crack a smile and breathe a sigh of relief. It’s been a long time coming, my friend.

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ALLEGED KINNICK STADIUM FLYOVER PROVOKES LIFTING OF NUMEROUS PANCHERO’S BURRITOS

KINNICK STADIUM–Following a supposed military flyover on Saturday which occurred minutes prior to University of Iowa’s football game versus Michigan, a handful of University students have come forward disputing the official account.

“There’s no way that was a flyover, man,” UI junior Bill Nequist told The Iowa Iowan. “That noise came out of the speakers.”

Although Nequist’s friends described him as being “blackout shitfaced” at the time of the incident, numerous other witnesses stand by his account.

“I heard the sounds of aircraft, but I couldn’t see anything, so I know nothing happened,” senior Jessica Lowenshone said.

“If a flyover did occur, it was definitely the gayest thing I’ve ever seen at an Iowa game,” Lowenshone added before taking part in the Pancheros’ Burrito Lift with her friends.

The Iowa Iowan is unable to verify the authenticity of the flyover claim, as all staffers were still too inebriated to reach an Iowa Air National Guard representative at press time. Video evidence of the alleged incident, however, was salvaged from the aftermath of the drunken ordeal.

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AS STUDENTS ARRIVE, IOWA CITY RESIDENTS MORPH BACK INTO PANCHERO’S EMPLOYEES

IOWA CITY—Phyllis Hall, a resident of Iowa City and mother of three children, is preparing to mutate into a mustachioed Hispanic Panchero’s employee, as she does every fall when students arrive for the school year.

An estimated 80% of all adult residents of Iowa City morph into Panchero’s employees in mid-August each year.

“I just don’t have anything to do otherwise,” Hall told The Iowa Iowan. “Iowa City is my home, and I can either sit in my house and complain about these kids ruining it every year, or I can accept it and get involved.”

Brian Shinkle, another Panchero’s transformant, says that Panchero’s is perhaps the best place to avoid the stress of the student population. “It’s nice to just blend in and, you know, be treated like I don’t exist.”

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PANCHERO’S BRAWLER FORGETS TO DELIVER HILARIOUS LINE

DOWNTOWN—Michael James Draude, a UI senior involved in a recent fist-fight outside Panchero’s Mexican Grill, “deeply regrets” neglecting to proclaim, “Don’t tase me, bro!” when an Iowa City Police officer administered a taser on him Saturday evening.

(Video: K. Polich)

The fight allegedly began when another male, seen in a red shirt, stepped in front of Draude, seen in a grey shirt, while in line for a late-night burrito.

Draude, 21, currently awaiting trial, said in a phone interview that he saw the opportunity to finally deliver the hilarious line in front of all of his friends.

“I blew it,” Draude said somberly. “It’s one of those things in life where you’re waiting to do something for years, and when the chance is right there, looking you in the face—two taser barbs pierce your buttocks.”

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PARTIERS STUNNED BY VISIT TO PANCHERO’S

DOWNTOWN—Three partiers were stunned to find an employee of Panchero’s Mexican Grill who actually spoke English late Wednesday night.

According to a Facebook status update posted at 11:39PM Wednesday night, UI student Paul Lawrence and two friends ordered a burrito at Panchero’s Mexican Grill and were astounded when the employee taking the order allegedly began speaking English.

“He was all asking us what we wanted on our burritos and stuff,” Lawrence said in an interview with The Iowa Iowan. “I’ve never had that kind of service [at Panchero's].”

When prompted for the employee’s name, though, none of the three students had any recollection, leading some to remain skeptical of his existence.

“I’ve gone to Panchero’s for years, and I’ve never heard of something like this,” lifelong Iowa City resident Bill Dyers said.

Panchero’s, a restaurant generally known for selling Mexican food for more than it’s worth, relies essentially on its employees’ competence in understanding drunken pointing during the ordering process, a company representative told The Iowa Iowan in an email Tuesday.

“The general sobriety of anyone passing through our restaurants is usually next to nothing, so we usually skip the whole ‘customer service’ part of training,” Panchero’s Director of Marketing Jeoffrey Fasters wrote.

“Claiming one of our employees was coherently speaking English? Those kids must have been pretty messed up.”

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